Good morning once again to all of my beautiful readers. Fortunately, we were able to get the restraining order processed against the Gentle Turtles late last night. So contrary to what ESPN was reporting, I am alive, and I was able to leave the safe house today to interview my next guest, The Slowskies.
KA: Thanks for agreeing to let me come over today and chat with you.
Slowskies: Your welcome.
KA: Umm, yeah, I must say you have a very beautiful home.
Slowskies: Well thank you Karen, I’m glad you were so eager to come over because I really don’t like having to go to new places.
KA: (puzzled) Oh really why is that exactly?
Slowskies: Well lets just say I have a really bad sense of direction and would have had to call you at least five times to figure out how to get there.
KA: Is that why when I called you for directions you handed the phone to your girlfriend?
Slowskies: Yes…. that and she can be quite stern with me and she put on her mean face when she heard a girls voice that wasn’t my mothers.
KA: (rolls eyes) I see, well how does it feel to be 2 and 0 and in second place after all of the Fantasy Football Free Press writers were dissing your team in the preseason and had you ranked 11th?
Slowskies: It feels really nice.
KA: (Pauses during awkard silence) Ummm, right. Is everything ok?
Slowskies: Yes.
KA: Yeahhh, umm, ok. Would you like to take a couple shots or something to loosen the mood and tension?
Slowskies: Sure.
(Slowskies and KA walk to kitchen and take 5 shots each)
KA: Whow that So-Co gave me quite the head rush.
Slowskies: Wooooooooooo! That’s right crazy Kare kare! They don’t call me Wild Slowskies* for nothing!!
KA: (Laughs genuinely hard) Hahaha. That’s the spirit. How did you earn the nickname Wild Slowskies*?
Slowskies: You see Karen back in the day I use to get crazier than errbody. I could table dive with the best of em, I would try and fuck bitches on the lawn, and when the pooooolice messed with me, WHEN THEY MESSED WITH ME KAREN, I just gave em my Cat Card and told em, “Yo Im Wild Slowskies, we gonna keep on ridin’ dirty.”
KA: (now drunk) Whowww you are so cool. How were you able to party sooooo much and sooooo hard?
Slowskies: Do you want to know the secret Kare Kare?
KA: Definitely.
Slowskies: I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET KARE KARE?!!?
KA: HELL YEAH!! WHATS YOUR SECRET WILD SLOWSKIES?
Slowskies: That’s better Kare. The secret to my world-renowned partying skills is…. Are you sure you can handle this?
KA: (On the edge of her seat) Please Wild Slowskies*, please enlighten me…
Slowskies: Ok…. The Secret is…. To………drink…………asssss….. slowwwwwwwwwww as possible.
KA: (Really drunk and confused) Huh? That’s your secret?
Slowskies: That’s right Karen. I am the slowest drinker in history. That’s why I named my Fantasy Football Franchise The Slowskies, and that’s why we are as talented as we are.
KA: That’s pretty interesting. What else are you talented at?
Slowskies: Well Karen besides being a fantasy football genius, world renowned slow drinking party animal, and halo specialist. I am absolutely amazing sports bettor.
KA: Oh yeah. Whats the most money you ever lost in a sports bet?
Slowskies: Welll I don’t lose often. However, this one time, I got completely screwwwwwwwedddddddd by the entire USA
KA: (holds mouth as she is about to vomit, swallows) Buuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, I gotta go puke. Im sorry I got to cut the interview short but Im not sure if I just had way too much shitty So Co or if the memories of Archuleta getting robbed by David Fuck Bag Cook are making me sick.
(vomits)
Slowskies: Well Karen don’t feel bad most people can’t keep up with Wild Slowskies*. Im gonna go make the rounds and see if I can find my girlfriend laying out in the back yard.
Wild Slowskies* means Wild First name of the Slowskies. You guys know what that is.
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| Karen Arrington |
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