Week 5 Fantasy Football Recap by Grant Rice

Weiner – 121, Breaston Plants – 107

In the upset of the week, Weiner knocked off the OPR #1 Breaston Plants.  Gates played well (20 pts) but it wasn’t enough as Miles Austin put up another elite line (34 pts).  Austin’s performance helped Weiner squeak out the win despite Dwayne Bowe’s case of the dropsies.

Clever Team Name – 110, Ricky’s Blunt Force – 106

Except for TE Vernon Davis, the Blunt Force underperformed pretty much across the board, losing a close game to CTN.  CTN got good lines from his backs (Jones and Benson) and Fitz and is looking for Manning to step up next week in an important game against Drinking a Forte.

Nevermore – 166, Drinking a Forte – 119

Nevermore’s backfield finally gave them the performance they were looking for after the blockbuster trade to pair Chris Johnson (28 pts) with Ray Rice (34 pts).  This, in addition to solid performances from the WR corps, helped Nevermore win despite Jermichael Finley’s injury.  Drinking a Forte suffered the loss of Joseph Addai and look to next week with trepidation given their massive hole at RB2.

Karma Wheel – 113, Slowskies – 90

Karma Wheel went ahead and rolled over the Slowskies without starting a defense.  An interesting strategy, and not one I expect many other league managers to adopt, despite the Wheel’s win.  Despite their winning record, the Slowskies are the team everyone wants to play right now.  Until Pierre Thomas comes back, the Slowskies are stuck in the horns of a dilemma, having to choose between Tim Hightower and Ladell Betts. 

Bear Jews – 132, Gentle Turtles – 77

This was a huge, huge win for the Bear Jews.  Hakeem Nicks and Brandon Lloyd combined for 72 fantasy points.  The Turtles, meanwhile, lost their WR3 to injury early in the contest and were never really in this game.  The Turtles will likely be looking to make some moves this week, given the injuries that are piling up among their receivers.  In addition to Clayton, Megatron and Steve Smith (CAR) will likely miss coming weeks due to injury.

Bedwetters – 143, Cleveland Steamers – 137

This was a shootout.  Trailing 10 pts heading into Monday night, the Bedwetters needed a big line from Percy Harvin.  Brett Favre obliged, tossing his 501^st and 502^nd career TD passes to Harvin and getting the Bedwetters the win.  Malcolm Floyd also tacked on 37 fantasy points.

Week 5 All-Fantasy Team

QB: Phillip Rivers (431 passing yards, 2 TDs, 25 fantasy points)

RB: Ray Rice (133 rushing yards, 4 receptions, 26 receiving yards, 2 TDs, 34 fantasy points)

RB: Chris Johnson (131 rushing yards, 1 reception, 1 receiving yard, 2 TDs, 28 fantasy points)

WR: Malcolm Floyd (8 receptions, 213 yards, 1 TD, 37 fantasy points)

WR: Hakeem Nicks (12 receptions, 130 yards, 2 TDs, 39 fantasy points)

WR: Miles Austin (9 receptions, 166 yards, 1 TD, 34 fantasy points)

TE: Vernon Davis (5 receptions, 104 yards, 1 TD, 21 fantasy points)

Grant Rice

UAL Week 5 Fantasy Football Preview

Week 5 is upon us.  The bye weeks have begun and roster depth now becomes a major issue for many UAL managers.

**GAME OF THE WEEK**

Nevermore (OPR 6) vs Drinking a Forte (OPR 8)

Yahoo Projected: Nevermore: 108 vs Drinking a Forte: 113

In a week where the UAL seems to lack any real compelling matchups Nevermore versus Drinking a Forte becomes the Keystone Light **GAME OF THE WEEK**.

This matchup will come down to Monday Night and will be determined by how fast Brett Favre gels with Randy Moss.  Will the Favre naked pics drama hurt Randy’s numbers?  My guess is Favre sounded like such a bitch on those voice mails he is going to be real fired up and throw two TDs to Moss and Drinking a Forte will take down Nevermore and their great backfield.

Cleveland Steamers (OPR 2) vs The Bedwetters (OPR 7)

Yahoo Projected: Cleveland Steamers: 122 vs Bedwetters: 108

The Steamers made a trade with The Bedwetters this week and if for some reason Andre Johnson sits out again it might be one of The Bedwetters’ old players, Dez Bryant, that tries to take them down.  The Steamers are without Tom Brady this week and are starting Mark Sanchez, who looks to break The Steamers 2 game losing streak.  However, I feel due to both Andre Johnson’s bad ankle and Jahvid Best’s turf toe, both of these players are highly over projected.  Look for Percy Harvin to now put up better numbers with Moss in the lineup and Palmer should have a decent day in Tampa.  The Bedwetter’s pull of the upset here in a close one.

Breaston Plants (OPR 1) vs Weiner (OPR 12)

Yahoo Projected: Weiner 115 vs Breaston Plants: 118

The Breaston Plants are now at the top of the UAL and look to hold off last place Weiner.  The Breaston Plants have some injury concerns this week but they should still get the job done nonetheless.

Gentle Turtles (OPR 4) vs Bear Jews (OPR 10)

Yahoo Projected: Gentle Turtles: 116 vs Bear Jews 101

Kevin Kolb looks to be getting the start for the Gentle Turtles this week over Josh Freeman.  The Bear Jews look to ride their super star auto-drafted (and best draft pick), Hakeen Nicks this week.  The Bear Jews’ Fred Jackson should benefit nicely with Lynch now in Seattle.  However, the McFadden injury is costly this week, as Steven Jackson will carry the Gentle Turtles to victory this as he looks to put up big points versus the Lions.

Ricky’s Blunt Force (OPR 5) vs Clever Team Name (OPR 11)

Yahoo Projected: RBF: 120 vs CTN: 116

CTN’s power ranking is 11, however their average rank was 9.8 as the rankings are just really close amongst the 8 to 11 squads. This looks to be the highest scoring game of the week and if CTN wasn’t 1-3 would have been the game of the week.  This game will come down to whether or not crappy QBs (Kolb and Max Hall) can get their star WRs (DJax and Fitz) the rock.  CTN wishes his super talented WR’s could just pass themselves the ball.  RBF will ride Arian Foster into the ground this week as you can expect Foster to make this weeks All-Fantasy Week 5 team. 

  

The Slowskies (OPR 3) vs Karma Wheel (OPR 9)

Yahoo Projected: Slowskies: 103 vs Karma Wheel: 84

The projected points for this match is absolutely pathetic.  Will Karma Wheel put in a defense or will he just get cocky and take down The Slowskies with the bye week Hawks?  Karma Wheel continues to feel the effects of the Brandon Jackson deal, as his gamble doesn’t seem to be paying off.  I like the pickup of David Gettis this week for the Slowskies, and they should win this week in ugly fashion despite being majorly distracted due to popping the big question.  Congrats Wild Slowskies!!!

That’s it for Week 5,

The Commish

UAL Official Power Rankings: Week 5

Hello to everyone out there in fantasy football land.  Some interesting moves in this weeks UAL Official Power Rankings.  The Slowskies remained on top for only one week after their humiliating week 4 loss.  The Breaston Plants vault to the top and receive 5 out of 6 first place votes as the appear to be the team to beat right now.  The Breaston Plants have been working the wire beautifully as they currently own this years' #1 Waiver Wire Wonder in Peyton Hillis, as well as Ryan Torrain, Lance Moore, and now Tate. Good Luck to everyone in Week 5.

Float Em or Flush Em: Week 5 by Turd Ferguson

Float em or flush em will go through each squad to identify an unheralded player who should start for the week or a player that needs to ride the pine.

The Slowskies:
Flush em: Pierre Thomas - Thomas is just coming back from an ankle injury and is playing a Cardinals D that has something to prove after being embarrassed a week prior. Thomas wont immediately return as the Saints workhorse, sharing touches with both Ladell Betts and Chris Ivory.

Drinking a Forte:
Flush em: LeSean McCoy - McCoy has a cracked rib. Such an injury will likely force McCoy out this week, and if he does play, anticipate a hesitant running style and split carries. The Eagles would rather get McCoy healthy for a playoff run rather than risk further injury.

Nevermore:
Float em: Mike Sims-Walker - Sims-Walker finally let it be known that he is pissed about not being targeted more often. Buffalo has one of the worst Ds in the league. If ever there is a time to start Sims-Walker, this would be the week.

Clever Team Name:
Flush em: Kevin Walter - With the injuries to Andre Johnson and Jacoby Jones, you would assume Walter would be a great play. Wrong. Ds are now focusing on Walter and he is not afforded the benefit of single coverage all night. Expect Walter’s stats to dip until the rest of the receiving corps gets healthy.

Karma Wheel:
Float em: Thomas Jones - Jones has been getting his fair share of touches in KC and has historically done well versus the Colts. Jones seems to be the better play over the struggling Brandon Jackson.

Ricky's blunt force:
Float em: Danny Amendola - Amendola is the poor mans Wes Welker. Dude just gets catches. Expect a good week versus the lowly Lions.

The Bedwetters:
Flush em: Malcolm Floyd - Two words: Nnamdi Asomuha. Rivers is very good at targeting the open receiver. Anticipate Rivers looking elsewhere than Floyd wearing the Asomuha blanket.

Weiner:
Float em: Sam Bradford - Risky but potentially great. Bradford has looked good thus far and he is playing a weak Defense this week in the Lions. I would be more confident in this pick if Bradford had someone to throw the ball to.

Gentle Turtles:
Float em: Mark Clayton - Clayton is not a great receiver, but he is the best the Rams have and he has the confidence of his QB. Expect a good number of targets this week.

The Bear Jews:
Float em: Fred Jackson - With Marshwn Lynch gone, the starting spot becomes Jacksons. Jackson handled this role well last year and the Bills have a good chance to keep this game competitive against the Jags. That means they will not be forced to move away from the run game and more carries for Jackson.

Breaston Plants:
Float em: Christopher Wells - Wells made it known he wants more carries. With the Cardinals starting an undrafted rookie QB, expect the balance on offense to shift towards the run game. This is Wells week to blow up. Bench Hillis.

Cleveland Steamers:
Flush em: Andre Johnson - Sticking with that pick from a week ago. Johnson may play this week, but is still hobbled by that ankle injury. Give him an extra week to recover before returning to the starting line-up.

Your favorite floater,

Turd Ferguson

UAL Week 4 Fantasy Football Recap

Bedwetters – 122, Clever Team Name – 81

CTN put up yet another poor week and suffered a bad loss to the Bedwetters.  And the future doesn’t look good with Max Hall throwing to Fitz and Kevin Kolb likely throwing to DJax.  CTN could be out of the playoff hunt by the time Vick returns.  The Bedwetters got back on track here behind big lines from Reggie Wayne (35 pts), Carson Palmer (21 pts), and Dash Williams (17 pts).  I like the Bedwetters a lot going forward.  This is a team with good depth that will provide a stiff test each and every week.  Will they find a way to make the playoffs?  That might come down to whether Pierre Garçon can ever get in on the Colts prolific passing game.

Gentle Turtles – 149, Karma Wheel – 92

Just as I predicted in last week’s recap, the wheels came off for Karma.  With Kolb throwing, or rather not throwing, to Maclin, the Eagles’ speedster notched only 3 fantasy points.  Brandon Jackson continued to look awful, proving that he can be in no way considered a viable RB2.  Meanwhile, the Wheel’s Atlanta guys fell far short of the spectacular performance they would have needed to get their manager a win this week.  On the other side of the ball it was a good day for the Decepticons, as Megatron finally had a week where he put up WR1 numbers (27 pts).  Hall of Fame rusher LT also looked very good gashing a weak Buffalo run D for 155 total yards and two touchdowns.  The defending champs are looking forward to Santonio Holmes’ return next week.

Weiner – 115, Bear Jews – 99

This is why we play the games.  The Bear Jews were supposed to win this one with Weiner’s Romo-to-Austin connection on bye.  Despite 42 fantasy points out of M & M, the Bear Jews live or die week-to-week, based on the performance of the New York football Giants.  And this week they died.  Nicks was solid but Manning and S Smith (NYG) combined for a paltry 11 pts.  The good news is that the Giants get the awful Texans secondary in Week 5.  On the other side of the ball, MoJo finally got things going, rushing for 105 yards and a TD against the Colts.  Also, I want to issue a special welcome to fantasy relevance to rookie QB Sammy Bradford.  He put up 18 fantasy points for Weiner this week and I like him a lot going forward with workhorse back Steven Jackson around to take away some defensive pressure.  

Ricky’s Blunt Force – 143, Nevermore – 104

In a week where Nevermore’s WR2 notches 40+ fantasy points, you would expect them to roll.  Not this week.  In fact, TO nearly outscored the entire rest of Nevermore’s squad.  Their all-star RB tandem of Rice and Johnson were completely shut down, and Mike Sims-Walker put up a goose egg for the second time in four weeks.  Also, it’s not every week that Nevermore has to run up against the Blunt Force.  Ricky’s squad was stellar.  ARod put up 17 fantasy points in a “bad week” while Arian Foster continued to run roughshod over the league, despite sitting the first quarter against Oakland.  There is a lot to like about the depth and high-end talent of the Blunt Force as we move through the bye weeks.

Drinking a Forte – 107, The Slowskies – 47

Wow, the Slowskies were bad in this one.  We won’t lump in Dallas Clark with the rest of that awful squad.  He caught a respectable seven balls for 68 yards and a TD.  But, the Slowskies QB and WR corps COMBINED for only eleven points.  Eleven.  The ever-unreliable Tim Hightower was also very bad as the Chargers thrashed the Cards.  Peterson’s return after the bye week will shore up their RBs, but the Slowskies glaring weakness will continue to be their shoddy receiving corps.  Drinking a Forte luckily owns the one Eagle that benefits from Kolb’s penchant for checking down.  McCoy had 12 receptions for 110 yards on the way to a 27-point fantasy performance.  Joseph Addai also had a good day at RB1 (23 pts).

Breaston Plants – 134, Cleveland Steamers – 108

The Breaston Plants have quietly assembled a very good team.  They are strong at every position and Antonio Gates seems to give them 25+ points every week.  They climbed to 3-1 this week and, as far as I’m concerned, they have the best combination of depth and talent in the UAL.  This one came down to Monday night.  The Breaston Plants carried a two-point lead into the Miami/NE game with Davone Bess and the great Brandon Marshall yet to play.  The Steamers had Brady still to go.  NE got its points in a 41-14 win but it wasn’t by Brady’s (11 pts) hand.  Bess and Marshall, however, put up a combined 34 fantasy points for Miami.  And that was the game, folks.  Here’s hoping the Steamers get healthy so they are never forced to start Blair White or John Kuhn again.

Week 4 All-Fantasy Team

QB: Carson Palmer (371 passing yards, 2 TDs, 21 points)

RB: Arian Foster (131 rushing yards, 3 receptions, 56 receiving yards, 2 TDs, 35 points)

RB: LaDainian Tomlinson (133 rushing yards, 3 receptions, 22 receiving yards, 2TDs, 33 points)

WR: Terrell Owens (10 receptions, 222 yards, 1 TD, 40 points)

WR: Reggie Wayne (15 receptions, 196 yards, 35 points)

WR: Calvin Johnson (6 receptions, 86 yards, 2 TDs, 27 points)

TE: Antonio Gates (7 receptions, 144 yards, 2 TDs, 35 points)

Grant Rice

Float Em or Flush Em: Week 4 by Turd Ferguson

Float em or flush em will go through each squad to identify an unheralded player who should start for the week or a player that needs to ride the pine.

The Slowskies:
Float em: Donovan McNabb - McNabb is out to prove the Eagles made a mistake when they traded him. Look for McNabb to have a big game.

Drinking a Forte:
Flush em: Mario Manningham - The Bears Defense has really stepped it up over the past few weeks. Hester may be the better option against a banged up Giants secondary.

Nevermore:
Flush em: Mike Sims-Walker - Sims-Walker has been a disappointment thus far this year. The entire Jags offense has been dismal. The Colts are known for their pass rush and preventing the big play down field. Let Dims-Walker ride the pine for this week.

Clever Team Name:
Flush em: Knowshon Moreno - Moreno may not play again this week because of a sore hamstring. Even if Moreno does dress, he will have to share carries with the newly acquired Maroney and the veteran Buckhalter against a stingy run defense in Tennessee. 

Karma Wheel:
Flush em: Brandon Jackson - Jackson did not impress in his start last week versus the bears. He danced behind the line of scrimmage far too often and was not as effective as the converted fullback Kuhn. If you are going to play Shonn Greene at all, this is the week to do it when he plays in Buffalo.

Ricky’s blunt force:
Float em: Ryan Matthews - Mathews was out last week with a sprained ankle, but reports are that he has been practicing fully and will start for the Chargers this week at home against the Cardinals. The Cardinals defense has been doing their best impersonation of swiss cheese (holes everywhere) so expect the Chargers Offense to rack up the rushing yards, with Matthews receiving the bulk of the carries.

The Bedwetters:
Flush em: Lawrence Maroney - Maroney has been less than stellar this year. He played his way out of New England, and has not proven anything thus far in Denver. Do not anticipate a breakout game against a quality run defense in Tennessee. You may have a better chance starting Leon Washington versus a porous Rams squad.

Weiner:
With several players on a bye week and a shitty bench, it is far too obvious who should be playing for Weiner. I refuse to waste my time making a pick for this squad. Advice - do a trade or check the waiver wire. Get some talent up in this mug!

Gentle Turtles:
Flush em: Steven Jackson - The graoin strain suffered by Jackson may keep him out this week versus the Seahawks. Expect the Rams to be cautious with their star back. Expect minimal carries at best for Jackson this week.

The Bear Jews:
Float em: Brandon Lloyd - Lloyd has become a favorite target of the neck beard. With the Broncos running game not performing up to expectations, expect a fair share of pass attempts for the donkeys. Lloyd should see several passes come his way.

Breaston Plants:
Float em: Lance Moore - Moore proved he can be a beast, having a huge statistical game last week. Anticipate a repeat performance this week against the winless Panthers.

Cleveland Steamers:
Flush em: Andre Johnson - a top 3 wide receiver, some may argue the best in the game. Unfortunately, Johnson is hobbled by a bum ankle and is going against arguably the best corner in Nnamdi Asomuha, who held Larry Fitzgerald to 2 catches last week. It may been painful, but the smart move is to bench the star.




Til your next bowel movement.

Turd Ferguson

Week 3 Fantasy Football Recap by Grant Rice

Nevermore – 114, Bedwetters – 96

The Bedwetters’ Flash & Dash backfield that looked so strong in the pre-season is a complete mess.   Dash is suffering from the general awfulness of the Carolina Panthers, while Flash, despite an outstanding yds/touch number (8.2), is still getting fewer carries than the pedestrian Thomas Jones.  Nevermore’s backs were simply better in this game and it was decisive.  I don’t think there can be any doubt, after last week’s blockbuster trade, that Nevermore has the best backfield in the league.  The question in coming weeks will be whether Rice and Johnson can compensate for Nevermore’s very weak WR corps.

Slowskies – 174, Ricky’s Blunt Force – 90

The Slowskies played above their heads (and their yahoo projection) for the third straight week and leveled the Blunt Force by an astonishing 84 points.  Some doubted the Slowskies’ manager when he picked up a third QB off the waiver wire, but Michael Vick (33 pts) has been nothing short of spectacular.  The Blunt Force got poor performances across the board.  Only Aaron Rodgers lived up to expectations (25 pts) and he was still outplayed by Vick.  Peterson (38 pts), S Moss (22 pts), and R Williams (29 pts) also played well for the Slowskies.

Karma Wheel – 136, Drinking a Forte – 104

After scoring a controversial win over Weiner in Week 2, the Karma Wheel rolls on.  They beat Drinking a Forte easily, behind Rivers (23 pts), Welker (16 pts), and Edwards (18 pts).  Going forward, though, things will get tougher for the Wheel.  The Burner looks good but how long will he stay healthy?  At RB2, there is a gaping hole after Shonn Greene’s poor early effort.    At WR, Welker will continue to produce but Edwards will not be a viable #2 when Santonio Holmes returns in Week 5, and I predict Maclin will put up inconsistent numbers.  Maybe 25 one week, but only 4 the next.  This week, Drinking a Forte got a poor effort from his backs, but look for them to improve in coming weeks.

Gentel Turtles – 117, Weiner – 95

Turtle logos are now 25-13 since the beginning of last season.  Look for struggling managers to get on the Turtle bus over the course of the season.  It was a Raven that facilitated this Turtle’s victory over hapless Weiner.  Anquan Boldin has emerged as Joe Flacco’s favorite target.  Against the Browns, he caught 8 balls on 11 targets for 142 yards, 3 TDs, and, most importantly, 42 fantasy points.  This allowed the Turtles to eke out a relatively close win in a week where SJax went down with an injury.

Bear Jews – 124, Cleveland Steamers – 112

In the upset of the week, the Bear Jews overcame the OPR #1 Cleveland Steamers thanks to 248 rushing yards and 2 TDs combined from Mendenhall and McFadden and an injury to last week’s breakout performer Jahvid Best, who notched only 6 pts for the Steamers.  The Steamers, flying high after smashing the Gentle Turtles in Week 2, have been brought low by injuries.  The fate of their season will largely depend on Best’s toe and Johnson’s ankle.  On the other side of the ball, the Bear Jews got a huge win.  They have now have as many wins (1) as they had through 9 weeks last year.  Look for them to double that total next week against Weiner whose Romo to Austin connection will be on bye.

Breaston Plants – 177, Clever Team Name – 139

In a second straight big week, the Breaston Plants who got massive production from Austin Collie.  The Colts slot receiver caught 12 balls for 171 yards and two touchdowns.  Gore (24 pts), Gates (24 pts), and Marshall (35 pts) were also very good.  This was a tough loss for CTN.  Most weeks, 139 fantasy points will be enough to get the win.  Their fantasy defensive coordinator will be on the hot seat in Week 4.

Week 3 All-Fantasy Team

QB: Michael Vick (291 passing yards, 3 passing TDs, 30 rushing yards, 1 rushing TD, 33 fantasy pts)

RB: Adrian Peterson (23 carries, 160 yards, 5 catches, 30 yards, 2 TDs, 38 fantasy pts)

RB: Chris Johnson (32 carries, 125 yards, 2 TDs, 27 fantasy pts)

WR: Austin Collie (12 catches, 171 yards, 43 fantasy pts)

WR: Anquan Boldin (8 catches, 142 yards, 42 fantasy pts)

WR: Brandon Marshall (10 catches, 166 yards, 1 TD, 35 pts)

TE: Antonio Gates (7 catches, 109 yards, 1 TD, 24 fantasy pts)

Til Next Week,

Grant Rice

Karen Arrington’s Managerial Spotlight: The Slowskies

Good morning once again to all of my beautiful readers.  Fortunately, we were able to get the restraining order processed against the Gentle Turtles late last night.  So contrary to what ESPN was reporting, I am alive, and I was able to leave the safe house today to interview my next guest, The Slowskies.

KA: Thanks for agreeing to let me come over today and chat with you.

Slowskies: Your welcome.

KA: Umm, yeah, I must say you have a very beautiful home.

Slowskies: Well thank you Karen, I’m glad you were so eager to come over because I really don’t like having to go to new places.

KA: (puzzled) Oh really why is that exactly?

Slowskies: Well lets just say I have a really bad sense of direction and would have had to call you at least five times to figure out how to get there. 

KA:  Is that why when I called you for directions you handed the phone to your girlfriend?

Slowskies: Yes…. that and she can be quite stern with me and she put on her mean face when she heard a girls voice that wasn’t my mothers.

KA:  (rolls eyes) I see, well how does it feel to be 2 and 0 and in second place after all of the Fantasy Football Free Press writers were dissing your team in the preseason and had you ranked 11^th?

Slowskies:  It feels really nice.

KA: (Pauses during awkard silence) Ummm, right.  Is everything ok?

Slowskies: Yes.

KA: Yeahhh, umm, ok.  Would you like to take a couple shots or something to loosen the mood and tension?

Slowskies: Sure.

(Slowskies and KA walk to kitchen and take 5 shots each)

KA: Whow that So-Co gave me quite the head rush.

Slowskies: Wooooooooooo! That’s right crazy Kare kare! They don’t call me Wild Slowskies* for nothing!!

KA:  (Laughs genuinely hard) Hahaha.  That’s the spirit.  How did you earn the nickname Wild Slowskies*?

Slowskies: You see Karen back in the day I use to get crazier than errbody.  I could table dive with the best of em, I would try and fuck bitches on the lawn, and when the pooooolice messed with me, WHEN THEY MESSED WITH ME KAREN, I just gave em my Cat Card and told em, “Yo Im Wild Slowskies, we gonna keep on ridin’ dirty.”

KA: (now drunk) Whowww you are so cool.  How were you able to party sooooo much and sooooo hard?

Slowskies:  Do you want to know the secret Kare Kare?

KA: Definitely.

Slowskies: I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET KARE KARE?!!?

KA: HELL YEAH!! WHATS YOUR SECRET WILD SLOWSKIES?

Slowskies:  That’s better Kare.  The secret to my world-renowned partying skills is….  Are you sure you can handle this?

KA: (On the edge of her seat) Please Wild Slowskies*, please enlighten me…

Slowskies: Ok…. The Secret is…. To………drink…………asssss….. slowwwwwwwwwww as possible.

KA: (Really drunk and confused)  Huh?  That’s your secret?

Slowskies: That’s right Karen.  I am the slowest drinker in history.  That’s why I named my Fantasy Football Franchise The Slowskies, and that’s why we are as talented as we are.

KA: That’s pretty interesting.  What else are you talented at?

Slowskies: Well Karen besides being a fantasy football genius, world renowned slow drinking party animal, and halo specialist.  I am absolutely amazing sports bettor.

KA:  Oh yeah.  Whats the most money you ever lost in a sports bet?

Slowskies:  Welll I don’t lose often.  However, this one time, I got completely screwwwwwwwedddddddd by the entire USA nation when I bankrolled it betting that the American Idol winner would be David Archuleta.  I usually don’t listen to others but unfortunately for my bankroll and family,  I bet everything I had on Archuleta. I should have never ever listened to the Breaston Plants.  In general, my life would be much easier if I had never met the Breaston Plants.

KA:  (holds mouth as she is about to vomit, swallows)  Buuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, I gotta go puke.  Im sorry I got to cut the interview short but Im not sure if I just had way too much shitty So Co or if the memories of Archuleta getting robbed by David Fuck Bag Cook are making me sick.

(vomits)

Slowskies:  Well Karen don’t feel bad most people can’t keep up with Wild Slowskies*.  Im gonna go make the rounds and see if I can find my girlfriend laying out in the back yard.

Wild Slowskies* means Wild First name of the Slowskies. You guys know what that is.

Karen Arrington

UAL Week 3 Fantasy Football Preview

**GAME OF THE WEEK**

Ricky’s Blunt Force (OPR 3) vs The Slowskies (OPR 2)

Yahoo Projected: Ricky’s Blunt Force 122 vs The Slowskies 128

The stage is set for this week’s **Game of the Week** as Ricky’s Blunt Force looks to not only snap The Slowskies undefeated streak but also overtake them in the UAL Official Power Rankings.  The two highest Week 3 Yahoo projected fantasy-scoring lineups square off at sunset for what should be nothing short of an old-fashioned shoot out.

A QB controversy has emerged amongst The Slowksies management, as they own three QBs that all have favorable Week 3 matchups.  When asked who The Slowskies would start this week, Slowskies management replied, “Smoke em if you got em” and then proceeded to explain how they look to jump on the Vick Stick and ride it all night long.

In a bizarre set of Waiver Wire events, The Bear Jews used their higher waiver wire priority to pick up Darren Sproles over Matthews true replacement, Mike Tolbert.  This mistake allowed RBF to handcuff the banged up Matthews with Tolbert, who should have a big week versus the Seahawks as Matthews looks as if he will be riding the pine the entire game in Week 3.

This should be a really close match.  However, I am going to have to give the slight edge to The Slowskies this week, as their studs all have juicy juicy juicy matchups.  If for some reason Andre Johnson retweaks his ankle and is limited on Sunday then maybe Foster could get a lot more work, however, as of now I feel that he is over projected as the Texans should be looking to go to the air instead of the ground versus the Dallas defense. 

The Bedwetters (OPR 6) vs Nevermore (OPR 5)

Yahoo Projected: Bedwetters 108 vs Nevermore 114

During the Week Shul made what appears to be a favorable trade, as he now owns the best backfield in the UAL.  In honor of the newly aquired Raven, Shul changed the name of his franchise from Shul to Nevermore (still arguably the gayest name in the league).  Look for Ray Rice to have a bender of a welcoming party, as he should go nuts in Week 3 against the beat down Browns.  The Bedwetters have managed to stay in the top half of the UAL due to how good they look on paper, but it is imperative that they find away to motivate there players as soon as possible.

Cleveland Steamers (OPR 1) vs The Bear Jews (OPR 11)

Yahoo Projected: Cleveland Steamers 115 vs The Bear Jews 109

In Week 3, The 2-0 Cleveland Steamers look to stay undefeated versus the 0-2 Bear Jews.  The Cleveland Steamers have put up back to back monster weeks, as the have beaten their opponents by an average of 66 points per game.  However, the Bear Jews should not be underestimated this week as Mendenhall goes up against the Bucs and McFadden gets to go against the cowardly Cardinals.  In addition, the Steamers first overall pick, Andre Johnson is questionable this week as he hurt his ankle during the Week 2 overtime thriller.  The edge for now goes towards The Steamers, but if Andre Johnson is severely limited with his injury then The Bear Jews do become the favorite in this matchup.  The Steamers have been getting great production out of their late drafted backfield, and will need Forte (vs Packers), and Best (vs Minnesota) to find a way to step up once again.

Weiner (OPR 10) vs The Gentle Turtles (OPR 7)

Yahoo Projected: Weiner 111 vs Gentle Turtles 108

Look for Weiner to grab his first win of the season this week versus the reigning champ.  The Gentle Turtles look great on paper but have had a rocky start to the 2010 season.  Favre will spend most of Sunday handing off and then giving Adrian Peterson some quality butt slaps as he runs all over the Lions.  Weiner should be able to wake MJD up this week, as he still needs to prove why he was taken #3 overall.  Romo will find Austin early and often this Sunday, and the Cowboy duo will be The Gentle Turtles downfall.

Breaston Plants (OPR 4) vs Clever Team Name (OPR 9)

Yahoo Projected: Breaston Plants 122 vs Clever Team Name 109

The Breaston Plants are quite titillated because on Monday they were wary of having to go against Ray Rice vs Cleveland and Knownshon Moreno vs the Colts, but now all they are up against is Benson and Buckhalter.  The Breaston Plant’s backfield has some tasty matchups and with CTN’s stud wideout, Larry Fitzgerald, being shadowed by Asomugha, Breaston Plants should win quite easily this week.

   

Drinking a Forte (OPR 8) vs Karma Wheel (OPR 12)

Yahoo Projected: 112 vs Karma Wheel 110

It is obvious that Karma Wheel’s management is lacking discipline, evident by Braylon Edwards recent DUI and hobo like beard.  Drinking a Forte will capitalize on all of the recent media distractions surrounding Karma Wheel and wins by 7.




Good luck to everyone in Week 3.

The Commish

UAL Official Power Rankings: Week 3

UAL fans, the Week 3 UAL Official Power Rankings have been calculated and here they are.

The Cleveland Steamers continue to dominate as they earn first place votes from all voting parties, the first team to do so all season.  Congrats to The Slowskies who have jumped from 11th place in week 1, to 6th place in week 2, all the way up to 2nd place in Week 3.  The Gentle Turtles continue to slide, as the preason #1 has fallen all the way to 7th in the OPR and 10th place in the UAL.  The Breaston Plants also make a big statement this week as they climb to #4 following their big Week 2 win and large fantasy production.

Kincaid Korner: Week 3

Kincaid's Top 25 Fantasy Players
1. Chris Johnson
2. Adrian Peterson
3. Maurice Jones-Drew
4. Ray Rice
5. Frank Gore
6. Michael Turner
7. Andre Johnson
8. Reggie Wayne
9. Arian Foster
10. Miles Austin
11. Peyton Manning
12. Rashard Mendenhall
13. Drew Brees
14. Steven Jackson
15. Aaron Rodgers
16. DeAngelo Williams
17. Jahvid Best
18. LeSean McCoy
19. Roddy White
20. Pierre Thomas
21. Calvin Johnson
22. Antonio Gates
23. Dallas Clark
24. Tom Brady
25. Randy Moss

Off the list:  Ryan Matthews, Brandon Marshall, Shonn Greene, Jamaal Charles

Once again, Chris Johnson starts off our list as the best player in the league.  Frank Gore moves up one spot after a nice week and a little bit of an injury for Turner.  Andre Johnson proved this week why he is the top receiver on the list.  Arian Foster continues to play well and has found himself in the top 10.  Also making his debut in the top 10 is receiver Miles Austin, who looks like he will be one of the strongest fantasy players to own this year.  Peyton Manning takes over as the top QB after another good week.  Jahvid Best and LeSean McCoy make their debuts into the top 25, each looking strong in their latest effort.  A couple tight ends have even graced the list with their presence.  Comes as no surprise that it would be these two, especially Gates, who looks to be the top target for the Chargers this year.  Rounding out the list is Randy Moss.  We will give him another week to prove he belongs before he gets the boot. Look for Ryan Matthews to make his way back to the list at some point this year, but with the injury he has fallen off for the time being.  Shonn Greene gets the boot with the resurgence of veteran back L.T.

That's it for now folks.  See you back here same time next week.

Kris Kincaid